Mom Guilt: Why it's not all bad and how to move through it

Mom guilt.

That incredibly unique and nagging feeling that you're not doing enough, not being enough, or not enjoying enough. It whispers in your ear when you sneak a few minutes of peace for a hot cup of coffee, it screams at you when you scroll through social media and see other moms who seem to have it all together, and it follows you to bed, replaying all the ways you could have been a "better" mom/wife/employee/sister/friend that day.

It would be easy to say, "Just ditch the mom guilt!" and move on with our day. But that's not only unhelpful, it's downright dismissive of the very real and complex emotions that swirl within us as mothers. Telling someone to "ditch the guilt" is like telling a toddler to stop crying – it ignores the underlying need and offers no real solution.

The truth is, we can't simply prevent uncomfortable emotions like guilt from arising. And more importantly, we shouldn't try. As psychologist Susan David reminds us, all emotions are valuable messengers, offering insights into our deepest values and needs. Mom guilt, while often painful, can actually be a signpost pointing to what matters most to us – our children's well-being, our own sense of competence, and the desire to create a loving and nurturing home.

So instead of fighting the guilt, let's get curious about it. What is it trying to tell us? What values are being triggered? When we approach mom guilt with curiosity and compassion, we can transform it from a source of shame into a powerful tool for self-understanding and growth.

The Power of Community

Finding community, your people, your fellow mamas who get it – that's the secret sauce to exploring the experience of mom guilt. These mamas are the ones who'll send you hilarious memes that perfectly capture the chaos of #momlife, share photos of the batshit crazy antics their kids pulled that week (solidarity, sister!), and commiserate over the fact that husbands sometimes just. don't. get. it. Just knowing we're not alone in these feelings is exceptionally validating and comforting. 

But it's more than just laughs. They'll remind you that we ALL experience the meltdowns (yours, not just the kids'), and the constant juggling act that is mom life. They'll celebrate your wins, big and small, and lift you up when you're feeling down. And when you need it, they'll hold space for the hard stuff – the failures, the rejections, the grief.

Your mom squad is your safe space to be vulnerable, to share your fears and insecurities without judgment. They'll listen with empathy, offer words of encouragement, and remind you that you're not defined by your mistakes. And when you need a little tough love, they'll lovingly call you out on your bullshit, hold you accountable, and challenge you to grow.

Because true friendship isn't just about celebrating the good times; it's about showing up for each other through the tough times, too. When we share our hard, it magically feels less heavy.

*Full disclosure - I used to refer to this close knit community as a "tribe". And then I recognized how offensive and harmful that phrasing is to indigenous peoples because it erases the significance of Tribal sovereignty, identity, and people. So, in the spirit of Maya Angelou, now I know better and I'll do better.

Modeling a Life You Love

Motherhood can feel like an all-consuming role, but it's important to remember that you're not just a mom – you're a whole damn universe. By that I mean you're a person with dreams, passions, and a unique identity. Modeling a life you love for your children starts with getting curious about all those parts of who you are and what truly lights you up.

It takes courage to peel back the layers of societal expectations and ask yourself, "What do I want?" It takes vulnerability to admit that maybe the life you're living isn't the one you truly desire. But it's in that space of honesty and self-reflection that the seeds of transformation are planted.

Embracing a life that honors your truest desires isn't selfish; it's essential. When you're happy and fulfilled, you have more to give to your children, your partner, and the world around you. And when your children see you pursuing your passions and living authentically, it teaches them invaluable lessons about courage, resilience, and the importance of staying true to oneself. 

So, mama, give yourself permission to dream, to explore, to try new things. It might be a creative hobby you've always wanted to pursue, a career change that aligns with your values, outsourcing household tasks you hate, getting involved in causes you're passionate about, or simply protecting time for yourself. Whatever it is, take that first step. Your children are watching, and they'll learn from your example that they deserve to create a life they love.

How to Grapple with the Guilt and Embrace Your Fullness:

1. Challenge Your Inner Critic: Remember, those negative thoughts are not your friends. When you hear them, counter them with truth and positive affirmations. You are capable, you are worthy, and you are enough.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you show your children. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend who's struggling. Forgive your mistakes and acknowledge your efforts. We all make mistakes, lose our patience, or say things we later regret. It's part of being human. Instead of dwelling on your shortcomings, forgive yourself and move on. Extend that same grace to others, too. Remember, everyone is doing their best, even when it doesn't feel like it. It feels hard because it IS hard. 

3. Set Realistic Expectations and Boundaries: Motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all journey. Stop playing the comparison game and get crystal clear on what matters most to you and your family. Define your non-negotiables – the values, experiences, and boundaries that are essential for your well-being and happiness. Maybe it's prioritizing family dinners, limiting screen time, or carving out time for solo adventures. Once you know what truly matters, you can create a realistic plan that honors your priorities and lets go of the pressure to conform to someone else's ideals. Remember, your version of motherhood is valid and beautiful, even if it doesn't look like the version you see on social media.

4. Prioritize Core Human Needs (And Ditch the Self-Care Bullshit): Let's be honest, mama, we've been sold a load of self-care crap that involves bubble baths and face masks. And while those things are lovely, they're not the foundation of true well-being, and they keep us playing SMALL. If you're feeling depleted, a massage isn't going to cut it. Cherylanne Skolnicki, founder of Brilliant Balance, coaches women to remember that we're human animals with basic needs. We need to drink water, eat nourishing food, get enough sleep, and move our bodies. These aren't luxuries, they're necessities. When we neglect these core needs, everything else suffers – our mood, our energy, our ability to cope with stress, and yes, even our patience with our kids. So before you book that spa day, make sure you're taking care of your body's basic needs. It's not glamorous, but it's the most loving thing you can do for yourself. And, by modeling self-care in this way, we teach our kids how to build, maintain, and prioritize healthy habits.

5. Celebrate the Small Wins: In the midst of the chaos, it's easy to overlook the little victories. Did your toddler finally sleep through the night? Did your teenager ace a test? Did you manage to get out of the house with matching shoes? Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate those wins, no matter how small they may seem.

6. Find Community: Connect with other moms who understand what you're going through. Join a mom's group, online community, or even just meet up with a friend for coffee. Sharing your experiences, struggles, and joys with others who get it can be incredibly healing and empowering. Remember, you're not alone in this journey!

Motherhood is messy, unpredictable, and full of surprises. But it's also filled with love, laughter, and moments of pure magic. So acknowledge that guilt is a sign of how much you care, embrace the imperfections, and design a life that lights you up. Your kids, and future generations of mothers, will thank you for it.